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Monday, 30 March 2009

Currently
Greatest Hits 1990-1999: A Tribute to a Work in Progress
By The Black Crowes
She Talks To Angels
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I try and feel the sunshine, You bring the rain.

So while I am trying to be strong and hold it all together I am falling apart and bursting at the seams. I feel like I do way too much and I am not appreciated. I feel like there is a huge weight on my shoulders, and my body can't take it anymore. My arms can't carry the weight of the world anymore. I have been miserable for weeks but if you have spoken to me and I have said I am doing "okay" it just simply implies that I have not risen by all my emotional problems, I just refuse to be paralyzed by them, and let it all bother me. But also by pretending to be just okay, it's still hurting me inside. I feel like something is missing. Nothing exciting is happening for me. I am hurting emotionally, that its hurting me very well on the inside that it hurts to breathe.
I went to the doctor last week. They just told me, "Your breathing is fine, you're not doing well emotionally so you are trying to find something wrong with you physically. Go see a social worker or something." Thing is, every time I have spoken to a doctor since my major depression hit in early 2OO4 they always tell me the same thing, "go see a psychiatrist...go see a social worker..go talk to someone." Back then when I seen a psychotherapist she's told me "You are too young to have depression." I was 14, and dying inside. I walked out on her and refused to see someone of the sort just because I felt like I wasn't being heard. I keep shit bottled up inside because in high school when I tried opening up, I was just being a burden. So I shut out the world hoping shit would get better, I prayed it would.
Eventually my world turned around and I got better. I haven't self-mutilated since the beginning of 2OO7. I knew I had to face the world, and to do that I had to put one foot in front of the other. Not let shit get me down. In January while apartment hunting, I have been refused all the times I have tried getting a place. That was tough for me cause I really wanna be out on my own, have my own place without being yelled at for every little thing. And the only reason I am being refused in the first place is that I never had my own place before so I have no references to show.
I just wish shit wasn't this hard. I wish Mum would lay off my back about certain shit. I wish I could talk to her. Little brother is smoking now, lying, hanging out with a bad crowd and causing shit at school. Getting suspended and detentions. Taking stuff from my parents and big brother. Mum has a bad knee and shoulder and he won't even help out at home. So, I am running around doing way too fuckin' much. I wish he would pull his fuckin' socks up and help out. Mum told us if she does way more than she is supposed to she could end up in the hospital. Doctor doesn't want her doing too much. I have told Alex time and time again. "Yea I know." No. No you fucking don't. But it's okay I do way more than I am supposed to and no one is putting their foot down for Alex. But yet, after I do all the laundry, vaccum, and the dishes mum can have the guts to say "Oh.. no one can do shit all around here....bla bla bla." Does she not realize ALL the SHIT I DO?
My chest hurts. I don't wanna live here anymore. I am standing on the line between giving up and seeing how much more I can take

FML.

Friday, 20 March 2009

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Friday, 13 March 2009

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Saturday, 28 February 2009

Currently
Dark Horse
By Nickelback
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& I will make you smile, cause it lights up the darkest of rooms.

hey guys! so I haven't written lately. things have been better since the last time I wrote. the title of this entry is what Todd has told me, he is such a sweetie, but I will talk about him later

last Sunday night I ended things with my long distance boyfriend, we were together for just a month actually. ever since he started 'working' he has been a total douche bag about shit. he kept calling me emo, dissing my music and bringing me down. he even stated if I were to get anymore piercings he would look at me differently, which hit me where it hurt. i've told him that if he were to get piercings and tattoos my parents wouldn't think different of you and neither would I but he tried telling me differently. when I tried telling him about stuff he would tell me I am just complaining, but did he just think I should just bottle it all in like all my other ex's expected me to do cause they never gave two shits? it hurt that I couldn't even speak to him. he talked about marriage to me and moving in. while he was rushing his life, I still had all the time in the world to be a kid and just live and enjoy life. near the end of our 'relationship' I just couldn't bring myself to have a decent convo with him and I forced myself to tell him I loved him, which was wrong of me because I wasn't really sure I felt that. in the end I realized we were way too different people who lived in a different world. we wanted different things, and in the end we just clashed. after much talking with a couple girlfriends, I realized something was up. that the way he was acting wasn't right. even when I know something is up I try to put it aside and think things are fine, pretending to be happy until someone else starts seeing through the cracks. I realized I had to push him away because it started stressing out and second guessing everything. I had to go with my gut feeling. I didn't get one word back from him since the breakup and I wasn't expecting to either. before I even broke up with him he acted like I was his world. but I found out he was only with me cause I was in front of him at the time, and he knew he could have me without fighting for me. and realizing he didn't fight for me in the end, I surely wasn't worth it and I just wasted time with an asshole who didn't give a damn, but pretended he did.

two days before ending things, I started talking to a guy from Ohio on this chat program Camfrog. his name is Todd. we hit things off well, and we have been pulling all nighters together since day one. even if he is shitfaced, works the next day or has a huge exam in the morning.. he puts it all aside just cause we like talking to each other. I have never smiled this much in so long. last night we talked, and it got real serious and deep this time. he asked if things were to stay like they are with us and if I enjoyed my stay when I go see him (I am supposed to go visit him in May) if I would consider moving there. I told him, sure I would really think about moving if I really liked the guy. but if that IS the case it does happen it is 13hrs away from my home, and everything I am used to. so he would have to be for it too, and I don't wanna put pressure on us and scare him away either. he would do the same most likely but, he has a job set for him and doesn't finish college for another year. seeing as I have nothing set, haven't applied to college yet nor do I have a job, it could be an amazing opportunity for me. I am just taking it all one day at a time. he is a great guy though, like we talk about anything and everything. if there is silence its not even awkward, its comfortable. we have stuff in common but at the same time we have our differences and I like that. but I am not gonna rush anything.

Sunday, 15 February 2009

Currently
Snails ( Cd Single w/ Rare Acoustic Tracks)
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He sacrificed our friendship cause he didn't believe in me

Wow! What a fuckin' insane past couple weeks. This is my first entry, yet I will do a bit of ranting. So if you don't wanna read that kinda thing, click the 'x' button on your top right corner.
Anyways, there are two guys. I have known both since the 8th grade and despite the fact I dated them both and it didn't end well with both breakups, I still managed to stay real good friends with both guys. After high school we remained close, and we still hung out now and then. One is in college now in Gatineau while the other is in University in Montreal. Jay, who is in Montreal started shit with me a week before my birthday. He was supposed to come to my birthday party the Saturday but after what went down I wasn't expecting him to make a show. Now, what happened you ask? Well, I have been having trouble moving. These guys KNOW that. I currently reside in Quebec and have been trying to move back to my home city of good ol' Ottawa but the last time a guy called me about an apt for rent he rejected me cause I have no references due to the fact I have NEVER rented my own place before, I just turned 2O and still live with mum and daddy. Yeah, call me a loser, whatever. I have heard it all. And anyways, Jay told me he has doubts and I just talk and don't do what I say I will. Yeah I have been saying since last year I am moving, but does he think it's that fuckin' EASY? Cause it's not. He gave me shit and all this crap, so I got mad cause he wasn't being supportive. Jay and I didn't speak until, about a couple days after my party. And he did indeed show up yet didn't say a single word to me. When we spoke for the first time since the argument he claimed he just came down to the bar to tear me up inside and feel what it feels like to backstab a friend. Never would I ever do such a thing, I am always there for friends and would never turn my backs on them, so I had no fuckin' clue where he got such an idea. He sent me at least 4 messages on facebook pretty much telling me how pathetic and useless I am. How since nothing worked out for me in the past, that nothing will now and how much he has doubts about me. His past wasn't the best, but I never judge him on it. Could you honestly tell someone since their past was complete shit and nothing, such as jobs or relationships or plans worked out for them nothing in the future will? Isn't that pushing it just a little tad? So yeah I was pretty pissed. I couldn't believe he could have gone so low to bring me down that bad. I saw him at a different angle then on. I wasn't able to look at him as the guy I depended on anymore. The friend I ranted to when things went wrong or the one to make me laugh when I was down. He was two faced and very judgemental. I believe he blew everything out of proportion, and lost a friend out of it. And he is mad I plan on moving in with my boyfriend when I move. Yeah. What a deal eh? So he pretty much was an asshole to me, cause I haven't moved yet and I want to move in with my boyfriend. WTF? Yeah. I am asking that too. So we ended things really rough. The other guy I confronted this morning (they have been speaking back and forth behind my back) and I asked if he honestly thinks I make him feel like "second string" as Jay claimed I did. And Karl responded "Yeah, don't worry it doesn't bother me that much".. Dude. If you are able to talk shit behind my back and BITCH yeah it bothers you. So he pretty much said its cause he is sick of giving me advice, and me not taking it and getting angry about it. The reason I was pissed in the first place is how they went about it. Did they handle it the right way? No I don't believe they did. Telling me how useless and pathetic you think I am and telling me I won't make it far is no help WHATSOEVER. If my parents were to tell me that, I think my self-esteem would be a heck of a lot lower than it is now. I told him I was pissed cause they threw everything out of proportion cause I don't see everything the way they do. He said I don't have a plan B either. Yeah I am scared of walking out and living on my own and falling flat on my face, but I have friends and family there and a great boyfriend, I am not going to be alone. They just think since I never have been alone I won't be able to do it. I can't handle it. I have enough ambition and motivation to prove them wrong. Things will get better for me eventually, soon. I will move out and have my own place and I will be happy. They will want to apologize and ask for forgiveness, and I will laugh in their faces cause they are the ones that did this. Jay sacrificed our friendship so I would move out faster so I could prove him wrong. But he lost a friend. I really don't know what I did to deserve this, but I don't deserve this, at all. I am losing friends left and right. It is good to know who really cares though.

No. I don't speak to the guys anymore, and I told myself this year is my year. I am pushing away the negative people that bring me down. It's energy I don't need